What is Reproductive Trauma, Anyway?
There is a really good reason why I hate HGTV.
It’s not because I don’t like the fun remodels that people do with exorbitant budgets. It’s not because I don’t like their programming. They actually have great shows.
It’s because every time my wife and I had to sit in the waiting room at the fertility clinic or the OBGYN office, waiting to know if our transfer worked or if our unborn child still had a heartbeat, HGTV was on in the waiting room.
Now, I can’t stand it.
This is a small example of a trauma association.
Basically, a trauma association is something that brings back memories involving painful or frightening emotions. For me, like so many that have experienced infertility or reproductive loss, they have found that they actually have a lot of symptoms of post-traumatic stress. In fact, in one research study that I conducted in 2023, out of the 281 women that I surveyed who were going through infertility, miscarriage, or traumatic pregnancy, a stunning 43% had characteristics of diagnosable PTSD.
That’s why we call these experiences reproductive trauma.
Reproductive trauma refers to the awful experiences of infertility, miscarriage, traumatic pregnancies, or traumatic births (among other things), as well as the trauma symptoms that can accompany them. These often look like:
1) Avoidance – Avoiding certain reminders of your emotional pain, such as avoiding certain family members, birthday parties, or social media (think pregnancy announcements).
2) Arousal – Increased anxiety around the worst happening. This can look like scanning for constant danger, or, “waiting for the shoe to drop”.
3) Changes in Mood/Cognition – This can look like difficulties concentrating, difficulties thinking straight, feeling depressed or hopeless, feeling helpless, or feeling “on edge”.
4) Emotional Distress After Trauma Reminders – Feeling an intense response, emotionally and/or physically, when reminded of reproductive trauma.
For me, this also included the smell of hospital masks.
Once, I delivered flowers to a doctor’s office who had made several referrals to our private practice. They required a mask at the time. So, I took one, put it on, and immediately stopped in my tracks. The rush of all of those experiences of our reproductive trauma came flooding back to me. What did I do to navigate this?
First, I had to stop and just be aware of what was happening. I spent five seconds just feeling the emotion, feeling it in my body, and letting my body tell me what I was experiencing in that moment. I closed my eyes, breathed in deeply (from my belly – we breath way too much from our chest), and then breathed out again. I breathed one more time. Then, I finally had capacity again to deliver the flowers.
Was I chipper when I delivered them? Probably not. I showed my gratitude to them for their continued trust in me for their infertility patients, but I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to have high energy.
And that’s okay.
In fact, if these symptoms are something that you are experiencing due to reproductive trauma (whether it be infertility, miscarriage, or traumatic pregnancy/delivery), two of the most impactful things that we can do for ourselves are to be mindfully present with our emotions, and then also set boundaries for ourselves.
When you feel the “trigger” and you are surprised by it (like I was), the first thing we can do is simply stop.
Step 1: Stop and Breath
Stop walking. Stop the conversation and excuse yourself. Stop whatever it is that you were doing, get to a place where you can be comfortable, and then close your eyes. Take a breath. Breath deeply from your belly, and be intentional with your breathing. Notice the tension in your body. You don’t have to place judgement on your tension. You don’t have to do anything with it. Just notice it. Keep breathing. Let yourself feel the emotion, and be mindful of it.
Step 2: Set Boundaries for Yourself
Recognize that you now may have limited capacity, and that’s okay. You may be tempted to feel guilty or ashamed for not being “your best self” for others around you, but they don’t need your best self – they need your authentic self. You need your authentic self. So if you are at a party, know that you need to pace yourself. You may need to leave early, or you may need to talk to only certain people. If you are at work, know that you may not be as productive. Guilt and shame will cause you to push your boundaries, but don’t give in. You are a finite human who’s experienced reproductive trauma, and a part of your healing is to slow down. Just like a runner who sprang their ankle should stay off it, you may need to reserve your own emotional energy.
Healing from reproductive trauma is a journey, and it requires patience and compassion towards yourself. Each day presents new challenges, but with mindful presence and well-defined boundaries, you can navigate through them with grace. Remember, it's not about being perfect or always having high energy; it's about honoring your authentic self and acknowledging the space you need for healing.
By giving yourself permission to slow down and listen to your body, you lay a foundation for profound self-care. Trust in your capacity to heal and give yourself the grace to experience each moment fully. This journey may not be easy, but every step you take mindfully and with intention is a testament to your strength and resilience. You deserve to be gentle with yourself, to set boundaries that serve your well-being, and to embrace your humanity in all its beautiful complexity.
